SYS-CON MEDIA Authors: Yeshim Deniz, Pat Romanski, Nikita Ivanov, Elizabeth White, Sean Houghton

News Feed Item

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Founder and CEO of eHarmony, Shares Ten Timeless Truths About Marriage

I am amazed at how many people stumble and trip their way into marriage—and then they wonder why their relationship grows miserably stagnant or chronically contentious. Their way of approaching this monumental decision was not done objectively and proactively.

I don’t claim to know ALL the rules of wise mate selection, but I am sure that the following ones are sound, trustworthy guidelines that will provide the best chance for a fulfilling and lasting marriage:

1. Your choice of a marriage partner is more crucial than everything else combined that you will ever do to make your marriage succeed. This principle may sound like a no-brainer, but it might surprise you at the large percentage of singles who have the attitude that says, “I just want to get married, and once I’ve got my mate, then we’ll work things out.” Lonely and worried they’ll never marry, many singles are so intent on getting to “I do” that they don’t invest the necessary time and effort to make a great decision. Most of the failed marriages I have encountered were in trouble the day they began. The two people involved simply chose the wrong person to marry.

2. Couples must be rooted in shared religious and spiritual beliefs. When two lovers are spiritually sensitive and when their lives are centered to common beliefs, they have a solid foundation on which to build a relationship. Any couple who develops their capacity to share spiritual passion becomes infinitely joined and merged. By affirming each other’s most sacred and deeply held convictions, they establish the most important connecting point of all.

3. Couples who date for two years or more have a significantly better chance of building a happy, lasting marriage. It is very alarming when two people tell me they have known each other a couple of months, and now they are ready to make a lifelong commitment. When a couple is ready to decide on something as all-encompassing as marriage after only a few months of dating, I assume their decision is long on fantasy and short on reality. It tells me that the hard work of marriage is being seriously underestimated. In fact, research shows that couples who have dated for two years of more score consistently higher on marital satisfaction than couples who date for shorter periods of time.

4. People often choose a mate to please someone else – a father, mother, or the person who is asking them to be married – but it is absolutely critical that they be personally satisfied that this is the person for them. Your decision must be made in light of your own needs and dreams…not anyone else’s. Certainly the input of friends and family members is critical, but no one can select your marriage partner for you, and you should never allow yourself to select a lifetime mate in order to satisfy someone else.

5. Divorce rates are lower for both men and women who marry for the first time at age 28 or older. Why 28? Studies show that this is the age when most people get clear about who they are, where they are going, and how they want to get there. In our society where adolescence often lasts until the middle 20s, identity formation is incomplete until individuals have emotionally separated from their parents and discovered the details of their own uniqueness. Most people under 28 aren’t in a good enough position to know the kind of person with whom they could form a meaningful lifelong attachment. They simply need more life experience.

6. It is crucial to find a person to marry who is a lot like you. For couples, similarities are like money in the bank, and differences are like debts they owe. If you want to make a marriage work with someone who is very different from you, you better have a large number of similarities as permanent equity in your account. If you don’t, your relationship could be bankrupt at a frighteningly early stage.

7. Unrealistic expectations for marriage may be the principal contributor for most early divorces. Many men and women enter marriage believing their spouse will meet all their needs and that their romantic feelings will never end. The truth is, successful marriages require an incredible amount of work, patience, and long-suffering. I have watched many marriages crumble because the couples expected life to be filled with walks on the beach, steamy love scenes, and nonstop fun. That is just not reality.

8. Couples need to know that they are capable of resolving conflicts BEFORE they get married. If a couple doesn’t know how to deal effectively with their disagreements, their marriage may be systematically destroyed. I am convinced that more marriages fail because two people don’t know how to handle their differences than any other reason. That’s why it is so vital that you and your partner assess your conflict-resolution skills prior to marriage.

9. Personality or behavioral problems will not vanish when you get married. If there are qualities about your partner’s personality or behavior that you question—such as jealousy, temper, irresponsibility, dishonesty, or stubbornness—ask yourself if you are willing to spend the rest of your life dealing with these problems. Obviously, if the person you are considering has a drug or drinking problem or trouble with sexual integrity, you should make absolutely sure that he or she has worked through the problem well in advance of your marriage.

10. Marriage is not just a contract between two people. Many people in our society treat marriage like a business agreement. When the contractual arrangement established at the wedding is no longer a “good deal,” they either alter the agreement or terminate it. When you find that soulmate for whom you have longingly searched, you will be at the beginning of a relational journey filled with joy.

Marriage provides the conditions in which we can experience tremendous happiness and satisfaction—or grief and frustration. By thinking carefully about the above points, you will take a big step toward a fulfilling future.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren is Founder and CEO of eHarmony.com. He is a clinical psychologist and the author of the best-selling book, Finding the Love of Your Life. See more relationship advice at http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/.

About eHarmony, Inc.

Santa Monica, Calif.-based eHarmony, Inc. (www.eharmony.com) was founded in 2000 and is a pioneer in using relationship science to match singles seeking long-term relationships. Its service presents users with compatible matches based on key dimensions of personality that are scientifically proven to predict highly successful long-term relationships. On average, 542 people marry every day in the U.S. as a result of being matched on eHarmony, nearly 5% of new marriages.* Currently, eHarmony operates online matchmaking services in the United States, CanadaUnited KingdomAustralia and Brazil, and through its affiliation with eDarling, in 16 countries throughout continental Europe.

*2009 survey conducted for eHarmony by Harris Interactive.®

More Stories By Business Wire

Copyright © 2009 Business Wire. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Business Wire content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Business Wire. Business Wire shall not be liable for any errors or delays in the content, or for any actions taken in reliance thereon.

Latest Stories
The 4th International DevOps Summit, co-located with16th International Cloud Expo – being held June 9-11, 2015, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY – announces that its Call for Papers is now open. Born out of proven success in agile development, cloud computing, and process automation, DevOps is a macro trend you cannot afford to miss. From showcase success stories from early adopters and web-scale businesses, DevOps is expanding to organizations of all sizes, including the world's large...
How do APIs and IoT relate? The answer is not as simple as merely adding an API on top of a dumb device, but rather about understanding the architectural patterns for implementing an IoT fabric. There are typically two or three trends: Exposing the device to a management framework Exposing that management framework to a business centric logic Exposing that business layer and data to end users. This last trend is the IoT stack, which involves a new shift in the separation of what stuff happe...
The definition of IoT is not new, in fact it’s been around for over a decade. What has changed is the public's awareness that the technology we use on a daily basis has caught up on the vision of an always on, always connected world. If you look into the details of what comprises the IoT, you’ll see that it includes everything from cloud computing, Big Data analytics, “Things,” Web communication, applications, network, storage, etc. It is essentially including everything connected online from ha...
The security devil is always in the details of the attack: the ones you've endured, the ones you prepare yourself to fend off, and the ones that, you fear, will catch you completely unaware and defenseless. The Internet of Things (IoT) is nothing if not an endless proliferation of details. It's the vision of a world in which continuous Internet connectivity and addressability is embedded into a growing range of human artifacts, into the natural world, and even into our smartphones, appliances, a...
The Internet of Things promises to transform businesses (and lives), but navigating the business and technical path to success can be difficult to understand. In his session at @ThingsExpo, Sean Lorenz, Technical Product Manager for Xively at LogMeIn, demonstrated how to approach creating broadly successful connected customer solutions using real world business transformation studies including New England BioLabs and more.
"ElasticBox is an enterprise company that makes it very easy for developers and IT ops to collaborate to develop, build and deploy applications on any cloud - private, public or hybrid," stated Monish Sharma, VP of Customer Success at ElasticBox, in this SYS-CON.tv interview at DevOps Summit, held Nov 4–6, 2014, at the Santa Clara Convention Center in Santa Clara, CA.
SYS-CON Events announced today that Gridstore™, the leader in hyper-converged infrastructure purpose-built to optimize Microsoft workloads, will exhibit at SYS-CON's 16th International Cloud Expo®, which will take place on June 9-11, 2015, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY. Gridstore™ is the leader in hyper-converged infrastructure purpose-built for Microsoft workloads and designed to accelerate applications in virtualized environments. Gridstore’s hyper-converged infrastructure is the ...
P2P RTC will impact the landscape of communications, shifting from traditional telephony style communications models to OTT (Over-The-Top) cloud assisted & PaaS (Platform as a Service) communication services. The P2P shift will impact many areas of our lives, from mobile communication, human interactive web services, RTC and telephony infrastructure, user federation, security and privacy implications, business costs, and scalability. In his session at @ThingsExpo, Robin Raymond, Chief Architect...
An entirely new security model is needed for the Internet of Things, or is it? Can we save some old and tested controls for this new and different environment? In his session at @ThingsExpo, New York's at the Javits Center, Davi Ottenheimer, EMC Senior Director of Trust, reviewed hands-on lessons with IoT devices and reveal a new risk balance you might not expect. Davi Ottenheimer, EMC Senior Director of Trust, has more than nineteen years' experience managing global security operations and asse...
"Matrix is an ambitious open standard and implementation that's set up to break down the fragmentation problems that exist in IP messaging and VoIP communication," explained John Woolf, Technical Evangelist at Matrix, in this SYS-CON.tv interview at @ThingsExpo, held Nov 4–6, 2014, at the Santa Clara Convention Center in Santa Clara, CA.
We are reaching the end of the beginning with WebRTC, and real systems using this technology have begun to appear. One challenge that faces every WebRTC deployment (in some form or another) is identity management. For example, if you have an existing service – possibly built on a variety of different PaaS/SaaS offerings – and you want to add real-time communications you are faced with a challenge relating to user management, authentication, authorization, and validation. Service providers will w...
DevOps is all about agility. However, you don't want to be on a high-speed bus to nowhere. The right DevOps approach controls velocity with a tight feedback loop that not only consists of operational data but also incorporates business context. With a business context in the decision making, the right business priorities are incorporated, which results in a higher value creation. In his session at DevOps Summit, Todd Rader, Solutions Architect at AppDynamics, discussed key monitoring techniques...
The 3rd International @ThingsExpo, co-located with the 16th International Cloud Expo - to be held June 9-11, 2015, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY - announces that it is now accepting Keynote Proposals. The Internet of Things (IoT) is the most profound change in personal and enterprise IT since the creation of the Worldwide Web more than 20 years ago. All major researchers estimate there will be tens of billions devices - computers, smartphones, tablets, and sensors - connected to th...
SYS-CON Media announced that Centrify, a provider of unified identity management across cloud, mobile and data center environments that delivers single sign-on (SSO) for users and a simplified identity infrastructure for IT, has launched an ad campaign on Cloud Computing Journal. The ads focus on security: how an organization can successfully control privilege for all of the organization’s identities to mitigate identity-related risk without slowing down the business, and how Centrify provides ...
The Internet of Things will greatly expand the opportunities for data collection and new business models driven off of that data. In her session at @ThingsExpo, Esmeralda Swartz, CMO of MetraTech, discussed how for this to be effective you not only need to have infrastructure and operational models capable of utilizing this new phenomenon, but increasingly service providers will need to convince a skeptical public to participate. Get ready to show them the money!